 I got called out for abusing my power in a meeting recently. “Sue,” the leader told me, “I hope you don’t find yourself in the position I ended up in this morning. You speak of power dynamics and workplace bullying. I wonder if you are aware of the position you put me in.” Ooof. Yes, that landed like a punch to the solar plexus. As critical (in both senses of the word) feedback usually does. It sent me reeling. Of course it did. I felt called out as a hypocrite. As a liar even. That I talk about power dynamics and workplace bullying, but really, I should just look in the mirror. That I say I was bullied, but maybe I was the bully, and I got what I deserved. But here’s the thing: in that situation, in that meeting, I had zero sense that I had any power, none. And that, as I came to reflect as I processed that feedback through, was exactly my blind spot. I was so focussed on the power that I didn’t have that I was completely blind to the power I did have. And that is the point of this post. Power. And our very - very! - complicated relationship with it. Let’s start Hard Power vs Soft PowerA long time ago, in a country far far away, I was a diplomat. In international relations we talk about “hard power” and “soft power.” Hard power is “the use of military and economic means to influence the behavior or interests of other political bodies” (Wikipedia). Hard power is coercive and aggressive. It is the power of war and sanctions. It is the power of might. “Soft power” is the power of influence, persuasion, and collaboration. It is the power of diplomacy, and culture. A nation’s music, movies, art, literature, history - these all contribute towards a nation’s soft power. South Africa, my home country, has much more soft power than it has hard power. Russia right now has a lot more hard power, and it has essentially wiped out its soft power. What has all of that got to do with power dynamics and the workplace? Formal leadership, your title, the budget you control, the size of the team you manage: these are all the equivalent of “hard power” in an organization. By right of your level in the organization you can coerce and compel people to do things - or they risk being called insubordinate, or fired. Elon Musk requiring people to be in the office 40 hours a week or else they will be fired is a classic example of CEO hard power. Soft power is everything else. Your power to influence, the power you have from the relationships you cultivate, the power of your good ideas, the power of your reputation for integrity, honesty, collaborative spirit etc. Soft power can be misused and abused. Unskillful use of soft power will feel manipulative and coercive; it will create resistance and resentment. That “insubordinate” or “difficult” employee you are thinking of is very likely resisting either hard power, or the manipulative use of soft power. Can soft power outmatch hard power? Superior firepower - literal or metaphorical - will overpower soft power for a period of time, absolutely. Dictators and bullying leaders stay in power for as long as they do because they do hold the levers of hard power. The overuse of hard power always sows the seeds of its own demise, however. There’s only so long that you can oppress people until they ultimately revolt. That’s of little help or comfort to those on the receiving end of coercive and abrasive leadership in the short term though. But focusing on our powerlessness is highly corrosive to our well-being, performance and effectiveness. And it blinds us to the power we always - truly always - have. Which brings me to: What is power, really?“Power, properly understood, is nothing but the ability to achieve purpose. It is the strength required to bring about social, political, and economic change”. Martin Luther King, Jr. King added in that same speech: “So often we have problems with power. But there is nothing wrong with power if power is used correctly….the concepts of love and power have usually been contrasted as polar opposites, so that love is identified with a resignation of power, and power with a denial of love…power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love.” (Source 1) Systems of power socialize us into thinking we are powerless. It is one of the most reliable ways for systems of power to perpetuate themselves. You don’t need to exert hard power if people believe that protests or resistance will be futile. I learned this from the remarkable Non-Violent Communications Practitioner, Miki Kashtan. I have come back to her words many times since I heard them as I work on my own relationship with power. “There is no system in the world that reliably has enough physical force that it can oppress large numbers of people without their partial consent. It is very upsetting to know this. Because it puts responsibilities on us. It is much easier to be the victim, for morality is on our side. But the truth is, all of us participate in sustaining the system as it is. We are socialized that way. Every time we force children to obey, or shame them, we contribute to the maintenance of the system. Shame and obedience are tools designed to interfere with who we are - and get us to be who someone else wants us to be. Given this socialization it’s a miracle any of us emerge from childhood with a willingness to try anything new. The real question is not what do others need to do differently, it is what can I do differently? We are habituated to speaking in ways that make our agency disappear. This is the socialization of powerlessness. We are habituated into not taking responsibility for the actual choices we are making.” Miki Kashtan (Source 2). Again, oof. If you have a reaction to Kashtan’s words, notice that. Really notice that. And be curious about what that reaction is really about. But back to the topic at hand: how does all of this relate to what I had supposedly said and done that the leader accused me of abusing my power? A lot. This is where details matter. I was seeking recognition for the value that the work of self-organized volunteers was creating for a for-profit organization. That organization is providing services to coaches, for which we are paying. And the coaches - all independent people - have organized themselves around topics of interest to them to further our own coaching. We are mostly creating value for ourselves, but we are also creating value for the organization. The organization is also supporting what the volunteers are doing with paid staff. In other words, messy. I was, in Martin Luther King’s words, seeking justice. I was, in that moment, feeling both passionate about the principles of justice and equity, and frustrated that this leader would not see it. In that moment, all I felt I had was the power of my words, the power of my argument. Feeling relatively powerless in terms of formal power (I’m a volunteer, he’s a paid senior employee of the organization) I came on pretty strong, putting him on the spot publicly. Which he did not like. In that meeting, I was so aware of the hard power that I didn’t have, that I completely overlooked the soft power I did have. The soft power that came from a relationship of trust with the leader, which, from his perspective, I took advantage of. Hence he felt me exerting power over him (which none of us like), while I felt I was doing no such thing. He, as he later explained, was also feeling powerless because of where he knows the ultimate decision maker in the organization stands on the issue I was raising. In other words we were both reacting from a place from our messy, complicated and difficult relationship with power. Did he feel he was being bullied? Yes, he absolutely did. Was I being a bully? Absolutely not. Bullying is a dehumanizing process that is all about power and control. It’s abusive conduct that diminishes - and ultimately denies - the humanity of the other person. It targets a person’s character, dignity and integrity - not just as a professional, but as a human being. It is, in Martin Luther King’s words, all power and no love. There is a trend where any slight, hurt feeling, or hurtful criticism is called bullying. It’s a way to shut the other person down, to dismiss what they are saying rather than wrestle with an uncomfortable issue they may be raising. Conflict is a part of normal human interactions and is not necessarily bullying. Conflict is an inevitable, and indeed even necessary, part of organizational life, as it helps to guard against complacency and group think. Being able to distinguish between bullying and normal human interactions, which include conflict and difficult experiences from time to time, is vital. This person, who I deeply appreciate and am profoundly grateful for, whom I love, in MLK’s words, was falling into the trap we all do: confusing bullying with comments he found hurtful. Not every hurt feeling constitutes bullying. I said in the beginning: focusing on our powerlessness is highly corrosive to our well-being, performance and effectiveness. And it blinds us to the power we always - truly always - have. What power did I really have? While I did not have hard power, a form of “power over” in the power models, I did have three significant forms of soft power available to me: power with, power to, and power within. (Source 3, 4) Power over This is how power is most commonly understood. This type of power is built on force, coercion, domination and control and motivates largely through fear. It can be hard power, but it can also be the abuse and misuse of soft power. Power over necessarily creates power under. Power over is built on a belief that power is a finite resource that can be held by some and not by all. It is also zero sum: my power comes at the cost of your power. This type of power controls the resources we need to live: money, food, medical care. And also it wields itself through more subtle resources: controlling information, approval, love.  Power withThis is shared power that grows out of collaboration and relationships. It is built on respect, mutual support, solidarity, influence, empowerment and collaborative decision making. Power with is linked to social power, the influence we wield among equals. Rather than domination and control, power with leads to collective action and the ability to act together. You need the collective scale of power with to take on any person, organization, or county that is operating from a basis of power over. It is dangerous madness to try to take on solo someone who has both hard power and is operating from power over. Ask any survivor of domestic violence, or anyone who has tried to resist workplace bullying solo, and they will tell you that you risk your life, your career, when you do so.  Power toPower to refers to the unique potential of every person to shape his or her life and world. When based on mutual support, it opens up the possibilities of joint action, or ‘power with’. It is the power to create something new, or to achieve goals. Power to is the belief that each individual has the power to make a difference. And those in 'power over' will seek to make you blind to your power to, and interrupt attempts to create power with. It is the way they sustain their power over. Intimidating employees trying to organize unions is a classic power over response to power to and power with.  Power withinThis is related to a person’s sense of self-worth and self-knowledge. It includes an ability to recognize individual differences while respecting others. Power within involves people having a sense of their own capacity and self-worth. Power within allows people to recognize their 'power to' and 'power with', and believe they can make a difference. Anyone who is operating from a power over perspective will be deeply threatened by, and seek to eliminate, someone who is tapped into their power within and power to. But the only person, truly the only person, who can ever take away your power within is you. Emotional violence and abuse is always about trying to remove your power within, but it is yours, and only yours, to give up. And it can be reclaimed at any moment by you if you have given it up.  I’m pretty tapped into my power within. I’m a coach, after all. I am deeply committed to power with, it is one of the core values on which I stand. But what I often overlook is my power to, chief of which is the power to choose. I made a choice to raise what I did, when I did, how I did, with whom I did. I had a lot of choices. I had a lot more power than I was recognizing in the moment. “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Viktor Frankl Also, because I have strong sense of power within, and because taking action and speaking out also come easily and naturally to me (power to), I sometimes use too much 'power to' and don’t focus enough on 'power with', undermining the very value I profess to stand on and leading people to think I’m a hypocrite, employing a double standard or being in power over myself.
What the power models further teach us is that the dynamics of power are present in every relationship: at work, at home, in our communities, with our friends, between countries. We are all, constantly, every day, in every relationship, functioning from and relating to each other from one or more of these types of power. In our families, communities, workplaces and countries we want to nurture power with, power to and power within, not operate from a position of power over. Our aim should not be to maximize our power over other people, but rather to create the conditions whereby power can be shared. This is how we can achieve truly great things. Putin completely underestimated the power of the Ukrainian people: their power to, power with and power within. That is what hard power and power over thinking does: it ignores soft power at its peril. And we ignore our own soft power, our own power to, power with and power within at our peril. When we have a “difficult boss” we so often focus on our sense of powerlessness. But, as any leader who has managed a “difficult subordinate” can tell you, they wield significant power too - not least the power to make your life miserable. By being blind to the full scope of my soft power, I misused it. Unfortunately, and due in no small part to the leader's own complicated relationship with power, this has come at great detriment to our relationship (one I value highly) and at great cost to trust that had been built over time. I kicked over Brené Brown’s “marble jar of trust”. Though I immediately moved to repair that broken trust as soon as I became aware of it, the other person is too hurt to want to repair it right now. I want to shovel those marbles back in all at once. I can’t. No, that's not right either. I choose not to try. (See what I just did there? 'I can't' I wrote. Even I still fall into the trap of being blind to my own agency. 'I choose not to' is claiming my full agency.) What I can do, what I am choosing to do, is to pay attention, to look for the opportunities to put one marble back into the jar at a time, while also not trying to 'please' him or seek his approval, which puts me in a power under relationship. And be aware that the trust that hopefully re-emerges may forever be a more fragile thing on both sides. Because it is also hard to trust someone again when they stay withdrawn after a true apology for an offense: because now you’re just on eggshells around them. I also said: “focusing on our powerlessness is highly corrosive to our well-being, performance and effectiveness.” If you are still questioning your need for power, think about this: How do you feel when you believe that you are truly powerless to change something in your life? Desperate comes to mind. And how might you behave towards yourself, and others when you are that desperate? Psychologists will tell you, human beings are at their most dangerous when they feel powerless and hopeless. This is when resorting to physical violence becomes a real threat - be that shooting elementary school kids, taking your family with you in a suicide-murder compact, or violently protesting oppressive, discriminatory and abusive hard power. You have nothing to lose when you are feeling that powerless and hopeless. Death itself, yours or others, seems like the only source of power you have left. Martin Luther King defined power as “the ability to achieve purpose; the strength required to bring change.” In order to have this power we also have to have hope. Hope is the belief that we can effect change. I always thought of hope as emotion. Most of us do. But then I learned, from Brené Brown’s Gifts of Imperfection, that hope is not an emotion; it’s a way of thinking. It is a cognitive process, made up of goals, pathways and agency. (Source 5)
In my own dark days in 2017 when I felt completely powerless against what the organization had unleashed against me, one of the things that kept me going was hope. Hope that I would survive this, hope that I would figure this out. I didn’t know where, I didn’t know how, I just knew that if I gave up on hope I may as well give up on living. Our true power starts with hope: do we believe in ourselves; are we prepared to try; and do we have a destination in mind? Because if we don’t, then yes, the system has won and we may as well pack up our bags and leave this life. Look back on your life, and I am sure you will see all the ways in which you have done things you might never have thought you could. Let that be your source of hope: whatever adversity and trauma you have struggled with, are still struggling with, the fact that you are reading this now means that you have power: the power to keep on finding a way forward. We misunderstand power - ours, others, what it is, and what it isn’t - at our peril. I hope that this has given you more hope…and more power within. Sources
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