Reporting back on "Operationalizing values" exercise: Part 1 - Compassion

Over the last few posts, and in the most recent resilience toolkit I've shared a practice to identify your core values. And then take the next step: work out how you actually operationalize them. Talking a good value game is easy and B.S. The more meaningful, and much harder, part is working through how you are actually going to walk your talk. That takes some good ol'fashioned look-at-oneself-in-the-mirror work. But the results, as I share below - are so worth it. I am definitely feeling much more grounded in, and committed to, my values now that I have gone through this exercise. 
 
So, what about you? Have you tried the exercises to identify your core values and how you operationalize them yet? What came up for you? What did you notice about what you struggled with vs. what came more easily?

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Behaviours and practices that support my compassion value are

• Participating in my bi-weekly Non-Violent Communication (NVC) Practice Group
• Meeting weekly with my empathy buddy
• Regular journaling – most especially whenever I’m feeling critical, defensive, judgmental or in shame. This doesn’t have a “once a week” component or similar, because experience has taught me that that if I do that, then journaling feels more like obligation and less like compassionate self-care.
• Preserving good blocks of “white space” and reflection time. For me this looks like twenty to thirty minute walks two to three time a week, weekly writing time, as near to daily meditation for 10 to 15 minutes as I can, and not jamming my schedule so much that “busy” is a state of being.
• Intentionally seeking out and making time for connecting with people from all walks of life and with backgrounds and experiences very different to mine so that I am not just living in Ithaca’s “liberal bubble”. Exactly HOW to do this is ever evolving. For 2019 I am exploring being part of “Better Angels” – a citizens' organization uniting red and blue Americans in a working alliance to depolarize America. I am also committed to ongoing volunteer coaching work to bring coaching to low-income and marginalized groups in our community.

 
I had a hard time separating out slippery slope behaviours and early warning signs, so I allowed myself to go with consolidating them into one question. From that, the following slippery slope behaviours or early warning signs emerged:

• Giving into my impulsivity, without gut-checking it. Being a creative, and an entrepreneur, I have dozens of ideas. The slippery slope behaviour is when I just run with them, rather than pausing to ask myself what they are really about. Compassion has me slowing down and consciously asking myself kindly and gently: How much is this about proving yourself to others and hustling for your worth rather than being your authentic self and being of service to others?
• Getting defensive and reactive. This is mostly likely to happen when I am feeling judged, blamed or shamed. When I am getting reactive, I start to talk back more and listen less. And I fire back, rather than breathing in, pausing and responding. Practicing compassion, on the other hand, has me slowing down, consciously reminding myself “every action is an attempt to meet a need” and takes the focus off me and on to staying curious and open to what is driving others. When in compassion, I can lean in to my hurt. I don’t avoid it. When out of compassion, I may lash out with my hurt.
• When I start venting rather than processing. My venting sounds like self-righteous anger and sympathy seeking. I start vigorously defending and explaining myself. I am looking for others to validate how awful it was and how right I am to feel pissed off. Compassion has me be very kind to myself as I lean into the hurt and own my own behaviour. If I’m practicing compassion I am generous in my assumption of intent towards others. When I’m venting I either don’t give a damn what their intention may have been, or am convinced their intention was to be mean.
• Indulging in common enemy intimacy. Oh, this one is a hard one for me. In Braving the Wilderness Brené Brown defines common enemy intimacy as the “you’re either with us or against” fallacy. It is the “feeling of plopping down next to someone and getting really snarky, judgmental and gossipy.” I am most prone to this when talking politics. Oh my g-d but is it easy to find connection by talking smack about political leaders. But it is “counterfeit connection and the opposite of true belonging”. So if compassion is my value, I have to extend it to everyone – even to those whose behaviours and policies I find abhorrent. I cannot limit my compassion only to people I like, or to those who look like me or have similar beliefs. Compassion’s central tenant is that every human being has worth and value. This does not mean I don’t get to hold people – be they political leaders or family members – accountable for their behaviour. Compassion and accountability are not opposites. They are actually flip sides of the same coin. Holding someone compassionately accountable (hello family members who infuriate me! ) is much harder work. But when I don’t: hello resentment and negatively impacted relationships, hello feelings of powerlessness and rage. Not slipping into common enemy intimacy is especially hard in liberal Ithaca – whom Ithacans lovingly describe as 10-square miles surrounded by reality. Sometimes it seems just about everyone around me is doing it. But this is what it means to practice your values: choosing what is right over what is easy, fast or comfortable.

 
Looking back for recent examples of when I was truly living this value brought me some surprises.
 
One of them was during my month long stay at Malibu Vista in November 2017.  Compassion meant that I stayed in my own lane, not joining in some of the gossiping and back-channeling that some of the other women were engaging in. “I have enough of my own stuff to deal with," I said when my silence was noted, “I don’t need to get into anyone else’s business”. And so it caught me by surprise when as residents left, they would hug me warmly and thank me for always being available to talk – but only about ourselves, not about others as a way of avoiding our own work. After everything I had been through, this brought tears to my eyes every time: I was not the mean bitch work had tried to make me out to be. I was capable of being the kind, generous and open-hearted person I felt myself to be.
 
Another is through my volunteering work the Women’s Opportunity Center - a local non-profit serving low-income, marginalized and displaced women. Those women amaze me with their courage, their strength, their determination. Society is incredibly quick to judge them as “less than” and “living off the system”. They are anything but. They are fiercely determined to make something of their lives – when the deck is heavily stacked against them. And whatever I give to them in terms of coaching, they give me so much more. They keep me grounded, and real, and hopeful. They remind me of the innate competence and capability of every person – no matter how much society may judge or shame or belittle them.
 
The feelings that come from living into this value - even when it’s hard – are powerful. I feel grounded, aligned and purposeful. I am less impulsive and more considered. I am less quick-off-the-mark with retorts to perceived slights or put downs, and can take my time to listen, and chose not to even respond – as most of the time a response isn’t necessary. I feel more open and connected to myself and to others.
 
In terms of support for this value: I’ve made a commitment to share this reflection with a few people in my life who can help me to practice my values – even when the going gets tough. On my list are my husband, a close friend, a fellow NVC practitioner, and two coaching friends. Yes, it feels vulnerable to do this: and yes I know this is exactly what I need to do. My ask to them will be that they encourage me and check-in with me on time to time – just holding space for me to reflect and process.

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One more reflection before I wrap this. Writing this down, as an actual shareable reflection, has truly helped me to deepen my own insights and get more specific on the behaviours that support versus challenge my values. So, I encourage you to take the time to work this through properly. You’re welcome to use me as your “accountability buddy” if you like. Schedule a session with me to go through your own process. Or pick someone else who is important in your life and part of your support system, like I am doing. Stretch yourself into your challenge zone – but not so far that you’re in you’re in your freak out zone. It’s all about baby steps as you learn these skills and put them into practice.