Happy People Aren’t Mean: Applying Elementary “Bucket Fillosophy” in the Workplace

It’s a concept so simple it was taught to my son many years ago in Kindergarten: you cannot fill up your bucket by emptying someone else’s.

​And yet that is what seems to happen all the time. Every day. Especially in workplaces. It’s  part of what makes so many of them so toxic.

​Here’s Elementary “Bucket Fillosophy”. 

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​All day long, everyone in the whole wide world walk around carrying an invisible bucket.
You can’t see it, but it’s there...
Everyone carries an invisible bucket.
 
Your bucket has once purpose only.
It’s purpose is to hold your good thoughts and good feelings about yourself.
You feel happy and good when your bucket is full, and you feel sad and lonely when your bucket is empty.
Other people feel the same way too.
They’re happy when their buckets are full and they’re said when their buckets are empty.
 
It’s great to have a full bucket and this is how it works…
 
Other people can fill your bucket and you can fill theirs.
You can fill you own bucket too.
 
So how do you fill a bucket?
 
You fill a bucket when you show love to someone, when you say or do something kind, or even when you give someone a smile.
That’s being a bucket filler…
When you treat others with kindness and respect, you fill their bucket.
 
But, you can also dip into a bucket and take out some good feelings.
You dip into a bucket when you make fun of someone, when you say or do mean things, or even when your ignore someone.
That’s bucket dipping.
 
Bullying is bucket dipping.
When you hurt others, you dip into their bucket.
You will dip into your own bucket, too.
 
Many people who dip have an empty bucket.
They may think they can fill their own bucket by dipping into someone else’s…but that will never work.
You never fill your own bucket when you dip into someone else’s.
 
But guess what?
When you fill someone’s bucket, you fill you own bucket, too!
You feel good when you help others feel good.
 
All day long, we are either filling or dipping into each other’s buckets by what we day and what we do…

All around us, people are running on empty. Not enough sleep, never enough time, rushing from deadline to deadline, attempting to meet the endless, impossible and competing demands of bosses, co-workers, and management.
 
All around us, our coworkers and bosses are desperately attempting to feel good – to fill their buckets – by dipping into others. Criticism, put downs, undermining, gossiping: our workplaces are rife with it. All dressed up as “feedback”. But it never is. Because the simple reality is: if we feel good about ourselves at work, we have no need to puff ourselves up by putting other people down.
 
This is not to justify or excuse poor behaviour. On the contrary. Because when your bucket is full, you can compassionately hold someone accountable for their behaviour without having to shame or blame them. You can set clear boundaries - without have to shut people out, or shut them down. You can give feedback in a manner that helps others see, and maybe even plug,  the slow leaks – or gaping holes – in their buckets, so that they can stop dipping into others.

What this also means is that whatever other people are saying or doing is not about you - or at least not in the way they are trying to make it out to be. Their unhappiness, meanness, bullying, backstabbing, sniping etc. may be directed at you - but you are at the effect of their empty bucket, not it's cause. Yes, their behaviour is bucket-dipping, and to the extent that you are engaging in the same strategies, then so is yours. But our buckets are never empty solely because of the behaviour of others. When we know how to truth check the messages other direct our way, when we know how to replenish our own buckets without expecting others to do so for us, then we have true resilience and our buckets stay full, regardless of how much others are dipping into them. 
 
It’s so simple and so hard: happy people aren’t mean. As you look around you at your coworkers what do you see? Do you see a bunch of people with full buckets? If so - yeah to you for being in an awesome work environment! Or you do you see a bunch of people with empty buckets, desperately trying to fill theirs by dipping into everyone else’s? Do you see people with holes so gaping in their own buckets that as fast as they or anyone tries to help them fill it, it all drains right back out?
 
So if you’re struggling at work, ask yourself: how full is your bucket? And how full are those of the people around you? Do you have holes in your own bucket? Do you know how to replenish your bucket when others take a swipe out of it? What are the thoughts, beliefs and patterns of behaviour that are draining you bucket dry, no matter how much your or others try to fill it? How much are you dipping into other's buckets to try to feel better? And what help or support may help you to fill your own bucket, or to stop the impact of other people’s behaviour on you?