Do you have an Abrasive Leader
​problem?

Are others saying...

• We're all afraid of him. He walks around, see's something that sets him off...it get's so tense. To the point where no one even wants to talk. It's getting harder to come to work.
• The best days at work are the days she isn't here - that's when we can breathe.
• He's always talking down to people - interrogating them. 'Why didn't you do this. Why didn't you do that.' He makes people feel like idiots. ​
• ​Her behaviour shouldn't be tolerated. We shouldn't have to constantly walk on eggshells. ​​

Are they saying...

• I struggle with people who can't move ahead. I have the patience of a wounded rhino. I can't deal with people who stand in the way of my vision. 
• I have trouble when people put blocks in front of me...I am ruthless. I hang them out to dry.
• Sometimes you have to kick people to get them moving. 
• They have it out for me because they're not willing to put in the time or energy. 
• ​I can't believe that people think I'm out to get them. I'm just trying to get the job done. It's nothing personal. 

have an Abrasive LEADER problem? Let's Talk!

abrasion, noun

• a process of wearing down by means of friction, injury or irritation
• an apt description of the emotional experiences of those who work with, under or over abrasive leaders

There is no universal definition for workplace bullying or abrasive behaviour. It is the IMPACT of the behaviour that defines it. Abrasive leadership has the potential to destroy individual well-being as well as organizational effectiveness. Such behaviour can impact productivity to the point of paralysis. ​

Abrasive leaders rub their coworkers the wrong way. Their words and actions create interpersonal friction that grates on subordinates, peers, and superiors, grinding away at trust and motivation, inflicting deep wounds and disrupting the smooth flow of work.

​Abrasive behaviour includes

The organizational costs of abrasive behaviour

• Rudeness and condescension 
• Demeaning another's capabilities
• Public ridicule, humiliation 
• Swearing, insults & name-calling​
• Over control & over reaction 
• Social Isolation
• Threats & intimidation
• Deception & misdirection

• Attrition of valued employees
• Decreased morale and motivation resulting in lowered productivity
• Higher incidences of stress-related illnesses and substance use
• Increased legal actions based on hostile environment or discriminatory behaviour
• Retaliatory responses such as sabotage
• Absenteeism and presenteeism
• Reputational damage 

workplace bullying explained

Now imagine...

• She respectfully disagrees now, rather than yelling back at you and calling you an idiot. She doesn't make you feel like a fool anymore.
• It's like she's a different person now. She still has her edges - but we're not on eggshells any more. You can actually talk to her without her exploding.
• It was amazing. People started speaking up. I had to work hard to control myself, but by the end of the meeting almost everyone had contributed. I guess they really weren't speaking up because they were afraid I was going to attack them. When I stopped attacking, they started talking.
• I can't believe the difference it is making to manage this way. It used to feel like pushing rocks, endlessly, up an endless hill. Now it feels like water flowing. I'm sleeping better, my doctor wants to know how I got my blood pressure down, and the team is more productive - with less effort - than before. Everyone needs to know this stuff! 
• This has been life changing  for me - on so many levels.  I’m so much more effective and have so much less stress in every area of my life — from blowing past revenue targets at work, to far more fulfilling relationships at home. 

​Coaching took me from angry and blaming everyone who is in my way, to being calmer and better able to assess the situation. I don’t have to be mad at everyone. I don’t have to be negative. That is a BIG improvement in my life. I was not thrilled about coaching – at all – at the beginning. But I’m so glad I did it.  I was so stuck in my resentment of others. I finally got how others were seeing me – and it was wow! -- D.J., Finance Professional

Who are these abrasive leaders?

Abrasive leaders are locked in the box of their own self-deception. And they respond to perceived threats to their ego with defensive aggression and blaming others. Confident, competent and secure people can tolerate challenges and respond calmly and respectfully to others. 

In the popular press, abrasive leaders are "psychopaths in suits", snakes, assholes, monsters and evil. They intentionally commit harm, are fully aware of the impact of their actions. and inflict deep interpersonal wounds because they are morally impaired and enjoy it. 

In a word: No

Here's what we know about them: 

• They are perceive any challenge by other others as direct threats to their own sense of competence and professional survival. 
• They defend against this perceived threat with aggression. 
• They view their aggression as reasonable, even normal or expected, and necessary to achieve organizational goals. 
• They might know they're perceived negatively - but blame others for those perceptions and deny that they're the source of the problem. 
• They're entirely or minimally aware of just how destructive their behaviour is.  
• If directly confronted with the impact of their behaviour they will claim victimhood or that they're now being bullied, and/or seek to "annihilate" the source of the threat in a process commonly called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. 
• They have very little emotional intelligence and empathy - although they may be quite charming and very skilled at playing office politics.  
• They're intensely ego-centric - they think everyone should see it as they do.   
• They lack insight and self-awareness into what's driving their own aggression (their sense of inadequacy is typically deep-seated and unconscious). ​

You can't train, mediate, investigate or traditionally coach your way out an abrasive leader problem. 

Abrasive leaders do not see themselves as the problem. And they will defend against and resist accusations that they are. They are not motivated to correct their own behaviour when, as they see it, everyone else is the problem. 

Training

Active listening. Empathy. Emotional Intelligence. Conflict management. The amount of training that is thrown at the problem is amazing. There seems to be a naïve hope that abrasive leaders, as a result of training, will magically recognize their use of problematic behaviours and refrain.

This simply doesn't work. 

Why? 

Three reasons: 

• If you make the training voluntary, they don't think they need to go (remember, it's other people who are the problem.)
• If you make the training mandatory it's still usually in one ear and out the other, as they tend to regard it all as so much soft-skills-mumbo-jumbo-nonsense. 
• And if they really do actually take some of it in, more often than not it makes things worse, not better. In the memorable words of one training participant: "If you enter this workshop a jerk, you will leave a jerk, except you are more dangerous now because you will know better how to cover it up." ​

take a different approach: BUILD organizational "MENTAL Fitness"

Generalized Coaching

Abrasive individuals present a significant challenge for traditional coaches and conflict specialists. Unable or unwilling to see the impact of their destructive styles on coworkers and the greater organization, they can be highly resistant to traditional coaching methods.  They don't see themselves as the problem - and attempts to do so only make them MORE resistant.

Here's what often happens with typical coaching approaches:

The abrasive leader is required to work with a coach. Resentful, they of course try to convince the coach that it's not them who is the problem, but others.  The coach might try to combat this with reports, feedback etc.

But the problem with self-deception is that you can't even see that you have a self-deception problem. The more the coach tries to get them to self-examine - the more the person starts to see the coach as adversarial and "on the side of management", and the less willing they are to engage in the process. ​At some point the coach - if they are not coopted to the view of the leader -  throws up their hands and says the person is uncoachable. ​

Abrasive leaders' self-deception becomes the rock on which coaching founders.  

People had called me abrasive and arrogant. They said I was steam rolling over them. But I didn’t see that about myself. And I couldn't recognize other people's emotions.  People thought I an asshole! I’ve learned I can have the patience to slow down, and listen to other people when they don’t see things the way I do.  

It’s made me much more effective. I have better working relationships. One in particular has been transformed. I say 'no' in positive way now. 

​Coaching with Sue held me accountable – to stop, think and see the impact I was having. 
-- M.P., Entertainment and Gaming Product Manager

take a different approach: specialized coaching for abrasive leaders

Mediation

The objective of mediation is to resolve the problem of interpersonal conflict. In other words the problem is the conflict, not the abrasive leader.

Although mediation can be effective in resolving a specific conflict between two people, it does not:

• Identify and address the negative behaviours of the abrasive leader towards the target and other co-workers. 
• Help the leader develop better management strategies (as mediators don't give advice). 
• Prevent retaliation and resentment towards the target. Mediation in particular is not recommended when the accused is more senior to the target. 
• Leaves the responsibility of managing negative behaviours on the target, not the employer: a burdensome, and potentially perilous, task for the target.  

Most people are good people. My experience is that most good people will behave in a bad way given the circumstances in which they are working. They can be good people with poor leadership skills, no boundaries, working in an 'us vs them' environment and end up behaving appallingly. Under these circumstances the majority will behave badly. It is easy to scapegoat those individuals, and not look at the other factors affecting them. 
Moira Jenkens, workplace mediator 

Investigations & "Zero tolerance" approaches

Investigations rely on complaints. Which are vanishingly rare. 

And if there are complaints - and then investigations - it does not solve the underlying issues driving the bullying in the first place. 

Targets don't file complaints for two reasons: 

• They (rightly) fear what follows: victim-blaming, the stress and peril of an investigation, the very real threat of retaliation, the high likelihood that there will be no definitive finding of bullying.  
• It is adversarial: Most targets are conflict avoidant, it's part of how they found themselves in a bullying situation in the first place. 

If a target does summon the courage to make a complaint, they almost universally report regretting it. Neither the process, nor the outcome, provide healing or resolution - and as often as not make the problem worse, not better. 

Haydn Olsen's "Why the Zero Tolerance Approach doesn't really work" provides far more depth as to just how problematic investigations are. 

You can't get rid of something by not tolerating it. If we try to get rid of these things by attacking them with force rather than considering why they occur in the first place and addressing the basic causes and the structure that supports it, then we create a more hostile world where there is less safety.
​​Haydn Olsen, Bullying and Harassment Prevention Consultant 

take a different approach: build organizational "mental fitness"

I had such a narrow view of what success looked like. And what I thought success looked like wasn’t even working for me.  With coaching, my confidence level is now through the roof. And as a result I’m much more open to feedback, and my relationships with coworkers are so much better.

I had been afraid to dig into conversations. I was playing a reel that I wasn’t competent. I no longer play that reel.

This is life altering for me. I thought I knew myself – but I really didn’t. Now I’m comfortable that I’m a work in progress. I’ve been coached before. But with Sue it was a joy.
​ ​--Trust, Safety, & Financial Crime Compliance Leader